Tuesday, August 25, 2015

The Dark(er) Side Of Me

Sometimes in life my world becomes gray and NOTHING seems to go right.  You name it and it's likely wrong, off or not fair.  Even the littlest things seem to bother me.  I think things like why is this happening to me and not anyone else, when will it all get better etc.  Usually this happens to me around Kendall's IEP or her birthday, there are often triggers.  Even though I know there are triggers   I still almost NEVER see it coming.  It sort of feels like the joy is sucked right out of me or I've fallen and I can't get up.  Or if I do get up, it's like the weight of 10,000 pounds is attached to my feet while I'm trying to get up.   It feels like I just can't breathe, like life is way way way too hard, like things can't get worse.  And when I'm surrounded by happy people at this time, I can hardly sit and listen to their happiness which in turn makes me feel like a SHITTY friend.   My anxiety sky rockets and it's all I can do to get through each hour of each day.  It's anxiety combined with some SITUATIONAL depression.  Different things trigger it and usually it lasts a few days or weeks but this time it lasted months.  When this happens, I have a hard time telling anyone about it which is STUPID because it's really when I need the most support.   So now I'm writing about it because if you know me at all you know I write when I'm upset.  I try to be honest, raw and not hide how I feel in all my interactions but this, THIS is hard to talk about while it's happening.  In the end, I know I ALWAYS get up.  There's no not getting up, not with 3 kids, not with a child with special needs.  I won't let that happen.  I'm strong enough, even in my weakest moments, to know that at the very least I can fake it until I make it, during that time it's hard to breath but I keep on keeping on.  

At some point when all of this is going on people notice.  Thankfully, my friends and family notice.  I mean I'm usually social and overall pretty happy the majority of the time.  So my friends and family do their best to help me feel better for which I'm eternally grateful.  Sometimes it works and is just what I need but not this time.  This time it didn't help enough and I just kept hearing myself tell my brain the same story about how awful I was feeling and how hard my life was.  This is when I know/knew it's time to get back to therapy.  I've been in and out of therapy since I was in my 20's and it's saved me.  Today, she called BS on some things I said and also talked to me about how to stop obsessive negative thoughts or obsessive unhealthy thoughts.  In 50 minutes she made me realize that it's not all that bad, that there is a lot of good and the bad parts can be worked on.  Nothing is ever black, white or permanent.  I feel 100 times better than I did at 2pm today and I am hopeful that my grayness continues to go away little by little, bit by bit.  I know it will, it always does and then I grow and feel stronger and am able to talk about it.  Maybe the fact that I'm writing about it already means it's getting better because I'm actually admitting it out loud here and now.  Life is hard and challenging on so many different levels(marriage, kids, work whatever).  I don't want to be the person that pretends it's not.  I want to be the person that deals with the crap life brings and becomes stronger for it so here I sit and write.  Today I finally feel a little bit stronger(I definitely tend to reference a lot of country songs on this blog ;)  ) and a lot more grateful for all the things I have.  

If you feel this way, get help.  Don't feel any shame in seeing a good therapist.  Don't be afraid to really work on yourself.  It's scary, you'll hate hearing the therapist call you out on your own shit because she's right and it's painful to hear/recognize but it's the best gift I've given myself.  I'm still a big work in progress at the ripe ol' age of 41.  Here's to a healthy self, to a very healthy me all around...mentally and physically.  Peace out.


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About Me

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Married mom of 3 not so little ones anymore but they still keep me grinning and giggling(most of the time). Kendall, age 12, Brady age 8 almost 9 and "baby" Chase who is 7. I have been married for 14.5 years to Dan Graff, who I think is the best dad ever to our kids. He certainly makes me grin and giggle to this very day. I have spent my non mom career working in recruiting on and off over the years recruiting Software Engineers. Other than my kids my most favorite thing to do in the entire word is ride horses followed by Kung Fu, where I earned my purple belt last year. I have been riding since I was 8 years old, with some time off here and there but I always go back to it. As Winston Churchill said, "There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man"(or woman in this case)!