The entire time I'm driving I'm half awake and am feeling like I'm getting sick(who has time for that!?) but I am listening to Christmas music because hello I LOVE Christmas. I love the magic it brings. Then a song came on and I flashed back to Monday night. We were shopping for gifts for the kids. Every kids store I went in I found myself stopping, staring at all the baby stuff, especially the baby girl stuff. And it's then I realize, for like the 10,000th time in my life, that I am done having kids and it's still hard seeing all the baby girl stuff. It's a HUGE trigger. I've talked about it before but when Kendall was a baby, it was incredibly stressful. Looking back I was too stressed out to enjoy her because I didn't know what her life would become. I felt like all I did was take her to Drs appointments, therapy appointments and wait. The waiting was filled with all the what if's. What if she never walks, what if she never talks, what if she doesn't make it through surgery(ies), what if her health fails her, what if, what if, what if. Those are some dark and hard what if's. I freeze in that moment in the store seeing all the baby girl stuff regretting the fact that I didn't enjoy the short time I had with her as an infant. I look back at pictures and am filled with more regret because she was one beautiful and sweet little baby girl and I, well I, was just too sad to realize it at the time. She had all the cutest outfits and the perfect nursery and my heart aches even more for what the stress of all the what if's took away from me. It striped me of newborn/new mom joy and bliss or whatever my idea of that was.
I want to go back, knowing what I know now, and replace all those what if's. I want to tell them to shut the fuck up and let me enjoy my first and only baby girl. I want that cloud of sadness that I had the first year + she was born to fade away so I could see her more, enjoy her more and not stress out. That, however, was not my reality and I can't get those years back. And I stand in the store staring at all the baby girl stuff frozen, just frozen.
Eventually I force my mind to shut off and focus on what feels like the 800 other things that I need to get done in that moment. I get out of the mall and on with my night. I get through half the week and my friend posts an article on my wall and I read the following quote : "I don’t believe carrying heavy emotions is what defines weakness; I believe carrying on despite them is what defines strength.".
Then I start to think more. I have carried some really heavy emotions and they have felt awful, really awful at times. But, I've gotten through so many of them. I don't feel strong daily by any means but I know I am so much stronger than I once was and it's because of all the emotions. I recognize them, I talk about them, I move through them even if it means I still freeze at times.
And I see Kendall in a totally different light now. I am in awe of her and her strength and confidence. I am so proud of her. Forget how strong I may or may not feel on any given day. She's the strong one, she's showing me the way. She's the one who has to brave the world being different, moving more slowly than the rest of the world, especially here in Silicon Valley. She has been STRONG, she has been CONFIDENT, she carries joy in her heart and is full of love. She doesn't stress about what she can and can't do. She just loves. She gives me strength. Watching her grow up has been a privilege. I may have huge regrets and sadness about not enjoying her short lived baby years but I sure as heck do enjoy her teenage years. I have such a different perspective now, 14 years into raising her. Though there are still times that leave me frozen, the majority of the time just leaves me in awe of her, her sweet soul, smile and life. I can't wait to see this Christmas and the next few years of life through her eyes and I'll continue to remind myself that she, she has made me strong.
