Driving to work today I had 8 million things running through my mind from what needs to get done for Christmas, who's coming to Christmas Eve dinner, to the list of things I need to get done at work, what kid needs to be where and when, what does the weekend look like for soccer, when are baseball tryouts, I better not forget to send a certain email, when does basketball start, we won't make flag football this weekend, do I have any more non work meetings after work this week to I have a hair appointment, I need to stop by the dentist office, I need to make myself a few Drs appointments etc. Eventually I just told myself, as I do often, Just.Keep.Going. Just.Keep. Going. My mind races and I hate it but it's always been this way.
The entire time I'm driving I'm half awake and am feeling like I'm getting sick(who has time for that!?) but I am listening to Christmas music because hello I LOVE Christmas. I love the magic it brings. Then a song came on and I flashed back to Monday night. We were shopping for gifts for the kids. Every kids store I went in I found myself stopping, staring at all the baby stuff, especially the baby girl stuff. And it's then I realize, for like the 10,000th time in my life, that I am done having kids and it's still hard seeing all the baby girl stuff. It's a HUGE trigger. I've talked about it before but when Kendall was a baby, it was incredibly stressful. Looking back I was too stressed out to enjoy her because I didn't know what her life would become. I felt like all I did was take her to Drs appointments, therapy appointments and wait. The waiting was filled with all the what if's. What if she never walks, what if she never talks, what if she doesn't make it through surgery(ies), what if her health fails her, what if, what if, what if. Those are some dark and hard what if's. I freeze in that moment in the store seeing all the baby girl stuff regretting the fact that I didn't enjoy the short time I had with her as an infant. I look back at pictures and am filled with more regret because she was one beautiful and sweet little baby girl and I, well I, was just too sad to realize it at the time. She had all the cutest outfits and the perfect nursery and my heart aches even more for what the stress of all the what if's took away from me. It striped me of newborn/new mom joy and bliss or whatever my idea of that was.
I want to go back, knowing what I know now, and replace all those what if's. I want to tell them to shut the fuck up and let me enjoy my first and only baby girl. I want that cloud of sadness that I had the first year + she was born to fade away so I could see her more, enjoy her more and not stress out. That, however, was not my reality and I can't get those years back. And I stand in the store staring at all the baby girl stuff frozen, just frozen.
Eventually I force my mind to shut off and focus on what feels like the 800 other things that I need to get done in that moment. I get out of the mall and on with my night. I get through half the week and my friend posts an article on my wall and I read the following quote : "I don’t believe carrying heavy emotions is what defines weakness; I believe carrying on despite them is what defines strength.".
Then I start to think more. I have carried some really heavy emotions and they have felt awful, really awful at times. But, I've gotten through so many of them. I don't feel strong daily by any means but I know I am so much stronger than I once was and it's because of all the emotions. I recognize them, I talk about them, I move through them even if it means I still freeze at times.
And I see Kendall in a totally different light now. I am in awe of her and her strength and confidence. I am so proud of her. Forget how strong I may or may not feel on any given day. She's the strong one, she's showing me the way. She's the one who has to brave the world being different, moving more slowly than the rest of the world, especially here in Silicon Valley. She has been STRONG, she has been CONFIDENT, she carries joy in her heart and is full of love. She doesn't stress about what she can and can't do. She just loves. She gives me strength. Watching her grow up has been a privilege. I may have huge regrets and sadness about not enjoying her short lived baby years but I sure as heck do enjoy her teenage years. I have such a different perspective now, 14 years into raising her. Though there are still times that leave me frozen, the majority of the time just leaves me in awe of her, her sweet soul, smile and life. I can't wait to see this Christmas and the next few years of life through her eyes and I'll continue to remind myself that she, she has made me strong.
On my way to work today I found myself smiling in my car because 5 days ago Kendall graduated from 8th grade. She walked, ran actually, (Kendall speed) across the stage confidently, met the principal halfway, got her diploma and marched off so proudly. 3 kids from her class graduated and this was the first time, from my understanding, that her school had them walk. I laid it out in her IEP how it could and should be done, as she's just as deserving as anyone else, and they listened and implemented what I suggested and it was perfect. Literally PERFECT. I think the 3 kids graduating from her special ed class got the loudest and most cheers. That alone gives me hope that our teens, even adults and maybe even the world(at least in our liberal bubble of the Bay Area) is headed in the right direction.
As I drove to work, I thought of 13 years of IFSP's or IEP's that I have sat through and battled for what she needs. I remembered learning about IFSP's then IEP's as she entered school. I remember talking to a lot of people with a lot of opinions, trying to learn and understand how they work or should work. I remember getting great advice and having a lot of support. I also remember feeling like I was doing this alone as there wasn't enough advice or support out there because everything with Kendall was always just "we'll wait and see". That's a hard way to live. I'd rather know the worst and deal with it and heal then wait and see and not know what might happen. I thought about every single surgery she has had, all the hospital stays, how every February she gets pneumonia and how stressful that is, and how for the past 4 or 5 years I've managed to keep her out of the hospital by the grit of my teeth. I thought about everything that was told to me the day she was born and even months after. All the things she may not do. Would she even live a long life? I thought of how I spent, what felt like years, so sad over who she should have and could have been if she was just born a "typical" child. I remembered bursting into tears after a surgery when everything went wrong and she was at risk and by at risk they meant for dying. I remembered how I had never cried during an IEP until 6th grade, that one was so sad for me. I was so tired of hearing about how she didn't meet her goals or pass this or that test and just losing it(in front of a ton of strangers I might add). There has been a lot of sad over the years, probably more than most have experienced or could even understand. However, there I was smiling in my car.
Smiling because from 7th grade til now, in just 2 short years, Kendall has blossomed. She started to talk and literally never stops. You may not understand it all but lord she talks and talks and talks. She has become her brothers, who are majorly into sports, biggest cheerleader. Not only does she cheer for them though, she cheers for their entire team. Literally, she remembers each players name and cheers for them when they are up to bat or playing soccer or basketball etc. She cheers loudly, from her heart. If Brady goes down in soccer or baseball she bursts into tears immediately because she cares THAT MUCH. Imagine what it would look like if everyone cared that much!? She then gets herself together and asks "what happened?" and wants to know if everyone is ok. She's opinionated about clothes, about where we go and what we are doing, and where she sleeps(only wants to sleep in her own bed at home with Sadie, her saint of a dog). She talks about her friends at school, her amazing amazing teacher who has helped her become this confident teenager over the past 2 years, her aides at school who are also saints, she talks about food......OMG does she love food. Her heart is filled with love for her family and friends. Filled with love for complete strangers and even some boys. Love pours out of her and I sit here smiling because 13 years ago, I couldn't picture her graduating 8th grade and me being thrilled about it. But I'm more than thrilled. I don't even have the words to say how I feel to be honest. It was by far one of the best days of my life watching her walk across that stage knowing how far she has come in 13 years. She's dealt with far more crap in life than anyone else I know and she's still filled with happiness and joy 90(ish) % of the time.
I'll never stop saying this, she is by far the best teacher in my life. Without her, I know I wouldn't be who or where I am today. I'm just better in so many ways due to just being her mom. Sometimes I think I have been given this little gift/insight to certain parts of life that others don't have because of Kendall. I truly enjoy the small things. Without her I think I would have overlooked them so easily. I would have taken so much for granted like the boys abilities in sports or academics or whatever it may be. She made me a far better parent to them. I'm far from perfect, don't get me wrong, but I am so much better with her in my life. It's been such a ride raising her with emotions ranging all over the place. Yet I'm still smiling all because of one, what seems so simple, walk across a stage to get her 8th grade diploma. Kendall, I can't wait to see what else you have in store for me. Thank you for choosing me to be your mom. I am so so so so proud of you.
