Grins, Giggles and The Graff's

I'm doing something right!

2011-05-07T07:45:00.000-07:00

The IEP is over and done WOOHOO! All around great news about Kendall however every year they suck 4-5 days right out of me. The anticipation leading up to them and then the meltdown after even when it's good news because in all reality if there were no issues with Kendall we weouldn't have an IEP. Seriously, I skipped boot camp and riding yesterday just to have a mental day off....they wipe me right out! Her teacher said all wonderful things about Kendall including how sweet, caring and compassionate. Which leads me to this story:

I came home yesterday and Dan told me he stopped by her school to drop something off for her. While he was there she was out playing for recess. We never really get to see how she does at school because if we volunteer it totally distracts her. Dan finally spotted her on the playground and watched as she played. She was running round and round the playground with a bunch of kids and Kendall was at the back of the line of kids running around. They went around once and a little girl fell down. They went around again and every kid passed the girl who fell and was crying. Kendall spots her, stops, goes up to her to see if she is ok, pats her on the back, runs to the teachers who are talking and don't see what is going on, pats the teacher on the side and says COME COME COME! Teacher follows Kendall to the little girl who fell and is still crying and they help her. All this time not one other kid stopped and they are all still running around. If that is not the most heartwarming thing ever I don't know what is! Seriously, warmed my heart and if we are doing anything right it's, in my eyes, teaching her one of the most important things in life and the thing that so many people are missing these days....COMPASSION!!! I know how compassionate she is but to know she is like that when we aren't around is the BEST FEELING EVER and just made my not so great day yesterday so much brighter!

PERFECT!!

2011-02-18T11:17:00.000-08:00

This one is for the girls/women out there: young, old, short, tall, blonde, brunette, big, small, athletic or not.
STOP JUDGING
STOP COMPARING
STOP UNDERESTIMATING

YOURSELVES!

"You're so mean when you talk about yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices In your head
Make them like you instead"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3GkSo3ujSY

Music To My Ears!

2011-01-18T19:15:00.000-08:00

Dear God,

This is going to sound a little strange at first but hang in there it will make sense! Thank you, thank you, thank you for giving Kendall one good ear with just a minor hearing loss. Yes, I'd prefer her to have 2 ears that could hear just like most other people in the world. However, the fact is she has one that is profoundly deaf and there is nothing we can do about it. But the other ear, the good ear, thank you for it. I am so happy that she is able to hear music. That girl LOVES music! Tonight, as we were driving home from dinner, Kendall was happily listening to Billy Joel and singing along quite loudly. That is music to my ears! It makes me laugh and smile! While you can't understand every word, or even every other word for that matter, you know she for sure is singing along to Scenes From An Italian Restaurant by the "whoaoo whoaaooo whaoooooooooooo" which happens to be crystal clear when she is singing!!

Now if you aren't familiar with the song then you must be young or maybe I'm old. It's one of Billy Joel's best. Here it is for you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=po252Jj7P9Q

Kendall, keep on rockin' out! I love you so very very very much!

Dance!!!

2010-12-13T10:57:00.000-08:00

I've been pretty speechless lately at least in terms of this blog. Busy with kids, work, life, the holidays and the list goes on and on. Then today I got an email that reminded me of how lucky I am to have what I have in life. Let me backtrack a few months....

Last April a neighbor/friend of mine had started doing bootcamp. She had steadily been losing weight and was looking great. I was not feeling great. I was feeling like a mom and just a mom, a tired mom with 3 kids, adorable and lovely kids who are the greatest thing in my life but I wanted to feel like more than just a mom. I was missing me a bit. Missing the me that used to take time out and do things for myself. I had taken one major step a few months earlier to getting the old me back. I had started riding again after a 7 year break. I LOVED that I was back to riding but I was exhausted every time I rode and frustrated that I wasn't where I was 7 years ago in terms of endurance etc. I just wasn't feeling fit. Since I had Chase I would start working out and then stop and then start etc. I just didn't like working out on my own.

So, I finally took the plunge with my neighbor and signed up for a month of bootcamp and have been doing it ever since without looking back. I have met amazing ladies who have done nothing but encourage me to keep going. My entire body has changed and every now and then someone says "Wow the weight has melted off of you". That of course makes me laugh, I wish weight melted off of me but it doesn't, I've just worked REALLY hard since April, 6 days a week(most days getting up at 5am to go workout)to get to where I am. In April, I could barely run around the block and by October I was running a 10K without stopping. In April, I could hardly hold plank position for 40 seconds. Last I got timed I held plank for over 2 minutes. So I've made a lot of progress and I still have a ways to go. I've lost some weight and a WHOLE LOT of inches because of this. I feel really good and really strong. Definitely stronger than before I had kids, that is for sure!

About 2 months ago, I started playing a game based off a book called the "Game On Diet". To make a long story short(er) you get points for doing different things, like eating specific foods, exercising, creating a good habit and doing it daily and getting rid of a bad habit, drinking a certain amount of water daily etc. You are not allowed to have sugar or high fructose corn syrup unless it's your meal or day off(you get a meal and a day off each week). You must also lose 1% of your body weight each week or you don't get your bonus points for the week. The best part is you have a team and you play against other teams and we did it for 4 weeks. We were SUPER competitive to say the least. No one wanted to let their teammates down and no one wanted to have the other team beat them. The final prize was money and the losing teams had to throw the winning teams a party. My team ended up winning BARELY but we won YIPPEEE! 2 of us, myself included, continued playing the game with 2 new teams for another 4 weeks(I am on week 4 of it right now and honestly can't wait to take a break cause it's not easy!).

This is the first week in the game that I didn't make my weight. I had a feeling that was going to happen but I hate to let others down, especially my own teammates(at the end of the 4 weeks the team with highest score wins and like I said we are competitive!). I sat here this morning trying not to beat myself up about it. I was trying not to be negative about it and trying to ignore the negative self talk that some say I do too much of, and they are probably right. Then I got an email from someone I am doing "Game On" with, she's on an opposing team. The person who wrote this book is a writer on Grey's Anatomy, Krista Vernoff. She has a blog and Dawn, who sent me the email, had gone on the Game On website and read this blog entry. She sent it out to all of us today. I needed to read this today, it's a great reminder about how lucky I am to have all I have, mainly my health. Without my health I couldnt' do all the things I love to do! Here's the blog entry written by Krista Vernoff entitled "Dance". I hope everyone does a little dancing today :)

Dance

This morning, I put Ingrid Michaelson in my iPod and spent a full minute -- maybe even 2 -- dancing naked in the mirror.

I know. You think it is a) bizarre that I would do this and b) even more bizarre that I would admit it to a bunch of strangers on the Internet. But I did it, and I'm okay admitting it and I'll tell you why: yesterday I learned that my old friend Karen (also known as Kalena) has stopped her cancer treatments and gone on to hospice care.

Karen is 42.

Her daughter, Zaiden, is 5.

I blogged about Karen 2 and a half years ago when she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and given 6 months to live. I asked you all to send your money and your prayers and many of you did (thank you.) Karen has shown an extraordinary fighting spirit. More that that, she has shown an extraordinary willingness to try, every day, to have an accepting spirit, a rising-above spirit, a healing spirit. This has not been easy. Karen went to the doctor when she first felt the lump. When she was probably still Stage 1. She was dismissed; misdiagnosed. Then she went to a specialist and she was misdiagnosed again. By the time she was properly diagnosed, her cancer was so advanced that for the last two and half years she's been struggling to walk, struggling to breathe, struggling to lift her beautiful daughter. And still, she's fought, she's prayed, she's written, she's played, she's danced.

Normally, when I look in the mirror, my eyes go like a laser beam to the stretch marks, to the cellulite, to the 38 year old, less-than-perky breasts, to the new lines that deepen daily across my forehead; to the "flaws." But this morning, when I walked past the mirror, the light was coming in in such a way that all I saw was beauty. I paused. I put on music. "Keep Breathing." I danced.

The stretchmarks mark the 9 months I got to carry Coco in my belly, the 9 months I was lucky enough to get to grow this beautiful creature from scratch. The celullite reflects delicious meals I shared with friends and long hours spent sitting and writing at a job I love. The sagging breasts reflect the years of blissful, bond-full breastfeeding. The new lines reflect days spent laughing and crying and living (and a very healthy fear of Botox.)

I still have weight I want to lose and crap I have to do and grief I have to feel and there are moments when I feel defeated by all it. Absurd. Defeated by an extra ten pounds? By a fight with a friend? By a difficult divorce? Defeated? While my breasts are lump-free and my child is here with me, laughing and growing? Absurd.

Today, for this moment, I have perspective. Just one of many gifts that knowing Karen has given me.

I hope you will stop today and kiss your kids and give thanks for your health and theirs. I hope you will put on some music and look in the mirror and see the beauty. I hope that for just one minute, you'll dance. "

Happiest Place On Earth!!

2010-10-13T07:08:00.000-07:00

Ok so this first pic of Chase isn't from the Happiest Place on Earth but I love it anyway so I had to post it!

Now onto my favs from our recent trip to Disney. Kids had a blast and were so good. I'm so lucky to have such happy kids!!

Like mama like son!

2010-08-05T07:56:00.001-07:00

Every night when I put Brady to bed he asks for 3 things(well 4 if you count cuddles). The three things are:

1) a tickle
2) a back rub
3) a glass of ice water

The other night I went to bed before Dan. I asked Dan to come tuck me in. As he was saying goodnight I asked Dan for a back rub and for a glass water then blurted out....ICE WATER PLEASE! Just as I was asking for those things I started to laugh and thought of Brady. Now I know where he learned that from! We are SO ALIKE! Here's a pic to prove it even further, we both have a "what are you doing type of look"

Just a box.........

2010-07-29T08:31:00.000-07:00

The other day my kids had so much fun in a box. It made me wonder why we buy all these pricey other toys when a simple big box is so much fun. I snapped some snots of the kids in the box of course. A few days later Dan and I were at a vigil for (Auntie) Celine's sister who recently passed away. Celine got up and spoke. To my surprise she talked about one specific memory and that was how much fun her sister and her had playing in a simple box. Her speech made me smile as I could totally imagine Celine and her sister playing in a box just as my kids were!!

Miss Kendall

2010-07-29T08:17:00.000-07:00

Hard to believe she'll be 7 in September! These days she likes bossing her brothers around. She mainly bosses Brady around since Chase is still a little young but I've seen her try to boss Chase around too. She is also incredibly picky about her clothes. I'm not allowed to pick anything out for her to wear or she yells "Nooooooo" at me very loudly! Her favorite clothes are skirts and tutu's. She is so girly! She loves to shop for clothes too, too bad I don't! Anyway, here are some pics from a few weeks back of the lovely Miss Kendall!

Kendall and the 4th of July.......past and present!!!

2010-07-13T15:31:00.000-07:00

We're alive!!

2010-07-11T19:42:00.000-07:00

Wow I have posted anything since May. Let's just say summer hit and we've been quite busy! Here are just a few random summer pics! Hope you're enjoying your summer!

The Blonde One Turns 3!!!!

2010-05-18T20:28:00.000-07:00

My favorite blonde boy turned 3 this past Sunday. We didn't do a big party this year, just did Happy Hallow and went to pizza for dinner to celebrate. Here's some pics from the big day!!

This is B's latest look that he likes to do:

Too bad Baby Chase is missing from this next pic:

Gaining Perspective

2010-04-23T21:06:00.001-07:00

The other night when I was sick with strep throat I decided ice cream would make my throat feel better. So I had coffee ice cream made by Starbucks at about 8pm. Next thing I knew it was 1am if not later. I don't drink caffiene, ok ok very rarely do I drink caffiene. I never even thought about the fact that coffee ice cream is essentially made from espresso beans as I found out the next day when I looked more closely at the ingredients. Anyway, the point is I could NOT get to sleep. My mind wandered but not about the usual stuff like work or the 80 things I need to get done. I thought about something I had written months ago on Facebook in my notes regarding Kendall. Someone had said something to me that struck a major nerve at the time. So, at that time, I wrote this:

3 words.......

3 words keep ringing in my ears over and over again. It's been 48 hours since 3 words were uttered to me. It's been 2 nights of little sleep because these 3 words hurt me so much and brought back the worst memories I have ever had. These 3 words have literally made me sick to my stomach for 48 hours now. "Get Over It". "Get over it" is what an acqauintance that I have known for 5 years now, who is also a mom of special needs child, said to me when I vented about being frustrated at times with raising Kendall, my own child with special needs. I keep wondering what part of me raising Kendall does she expect me to "get over"?

I think it must have been the time right when Kendall was born when one of the NICU doctors told us, "Stop pestering me" while we asked her questions about what may be wrong with Kendall.

Or was it the time that the NICU nurse told us to "Enjoy her while she is here" because they didn't know what was wrong with her yet and were assuming that she was going to die?

How about the multiple times we had to have her sedated for hearing tests only to discover she is profoundly deaf in her right ear with a mild loss in her left ear? And how about the hours and hours we spent learning sign language so we could communicate in some way, shape or form with her. What about the fear I have that goes along with this, the fear of her never being able to talk well enough to live an independent life later on or the fear that she won't be able to sign well enough to communicate with those that know sign because her fine motor skills are weak. Do I just "get over" that?

Was it the time when Kendall was 12 months old and we had to hand her over for surgery that lasted 9 hours. Surgery that involved cutting her head open from ear to ear then sawing a bone in half and putting a spacer in it to keep the bone from re-closing too early. A surgery that required her to have a blood transfusion and also made her forehead swell so bad that her eyes swelled shut for 4 days? Surely, I'm not suppose to "get over" that?

Was it the few times I had to get the last appointment of the night at Packard for Kendalll so that I could sit next to the CT scanner and rock her to sleep, praying that she would stay asleep the entire time they needed to perform the CT scan(s)?

I know I know, it was the multiple times that I had to pin my own 2 year old daughter down to insert an NG tube up her nose, down her throat and into her tummy in order to hook her up to a pump at night to feed her while she was sleeping because this was the only way we could get extra calories in her. And while inserting the tube, making sure it ended up in the correct place and not in her lungs because if it were an inch too high it would be in her lungs and she would aspirate. Doing all this with a happy face on so that Kendall wouldn't see how terrified and horrified I was that I had to do this in the first place and because I didn't want to scare her anymore than she already was. Get over that?

Was it when I had to deny Kendall's request for food as she signed milk, crackers, water and eat to me 24/7 because she had surgery on her stomach that didn't allow her to eat or drink for 12 days straight? Did she even rememeber when I told her about how that was one of the worst moments in my entire life? Did she mean "get over" that?

Maybe it was during the surgery on her stomach when I watched the bright light of happiness and warmth in Kendall's brilliant sapphire blue eyes fade after being poked, prodded and stuck daily for blood draws for almost 2 weeks straight as she wasn't able to say no or stop or this hurts so bad why are you doing this to me?

Did she expect me to get over and forget what it felt like to hold Kendall when she had lost so much weight because of surgery that she was down to 18lbs when she was 3.5 years old? Did she think that seeing my little girl so weak and just skin and bones with no meat on her was something that wouldn't forever be locked in my mind?

Did she expect me to not remember watching Kendall struggle to breath because she had pnuemonia so bad after that stomach surgery that it caused her lung to collapse?

Perhaps, she was wanting me to get over the total number of surgeries, that would be 6, that Kendall has had in her almost 6 years of life.

Was it the hours upon hours of sitting through physical, occupational, equine and speech therapy sessions hoping they would help Kendall get stronger or get that first word or those first few words out?

I guess she may have wanted me to "get over" the first year of Kendalls life when all I did was cry and cry and cry because I was so upset that Kendall wasn't born a "typical" little baby girl and that instead of enjoying her as much as I should have I was too stressed out and hardly enjoyed her at all. That first year was spent waiting to see what she would do and when and if she would do it. The doctors never gave us high expectations, they said everything would be wait and see. Imagine, spending your time just waiting with no answers.....just waiting to see what type of life your child was going to have.

Did she want me to get over the pure excitement I felt when Kendall took her first steps at 2.5 years old? Or how about the time Kendall first said "Mommy" which was when she was about 4 years old. Wait, she must want me to also get over the first time Kendall said I love you when she was 5 years old. Am I suppose to just erase the happiness I felt when she finally did all of those things?

So yeah, those 3 words are still ringing in my ears. Never in my entire life did I think I would hear someone say that to me. It caught me so off gaurd. Did she really think I could "Get Over It"? And if she really thought that and she had gotten over her own emotions regarding her special needs child how did she do that? I don't think it's possible to get over something like this. It's the core of who I am now. You can pull yourself up off the floor and out of a funk and move on but "Get Over It"? Next time I vent about a frustrating day I have with raising Kendall maybe, just maybe, she will realize that it's not just a vent it actually has all of the above plus SO MUCH MORE tied into the vent and you can't just "Get Over It". Trust me I have tried!

I'm not re-posting this for any other reason than the following:

I had never really thought about all I(we) had been through with Kendall. I took everything we had been through one day or moment at a time because that is all I could do at the time and once that moment, surgery etc was over I typically didn't talk about it again. Although I am an open book when it comes to Kendall, I don't talk a lot about all it entails or has entailed, especially my personal feelings about it. This was the first time I ever "talked" about EVERYTHING I had experienced with Kendall and the feelings that went along with it. I wrote it all down and it felt like this huge release. So, in a weird sort of way, I am glad that person said what they did to me. It allowed me to get it all out, mourn everything for a couple days because as I wrote it, it felt like I was re-living all those moments again(that's how intense it was writing all that) and move on. If it weren't for her saying that to me I would still be holding all of the above in and what good would that do?? Perspective can be a lovely lovely thing!

Life

2010-04-20T11:44:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in about a month...life happens I suppose. I don't even have anything very witty or interesting to say, I think strep throat is sucking the life and humor right out of me. So for now, here are a few recent pics of the kids!

Here's a little example of how nicely the kids can play together:

And then inevitably someone always gets hurt or in this case upset...notice baby Chasey

Brady jumping:

Did someone call for a plumber?

Kendall really likes to nap but rarely gets to anymore. On this day she had had enough and decided to rest her pretty little head and fell asleep still standing, well half standing!

Kendall sassin' it up for the camera:

Kendall getting annoyed that Brady is trying to steal the spotlight:

Chasey ditched the baby doll for a straw and a lint brush...note his shirt(that's pretty much his motto, the boy LOVES food!)

3 Stooges:

Brady again, I think he was growling at me and by the looks of his chin he must have just finished some hot chocolate:

Sweet Chasey again:

Brady and his new bigger tricycle(thanks Jack!):

And one last one of my boo boo bear!

Out of the mouth of Brady

2010-03-22T21:39:00.001-07:00

Me: Brady, you know my birthday is coming up right?

Brady: Yesssssssss

Me: What are you you going to get your mommy?

Brady: Santa, I'm gonna get you Santa...you like Santa mommy?

Words...

2010-03-15T13:01:00.000-07:00

Until I had Kendall I really never thought about words or speech much if ever. We have spent hours upon hours in speech therapy(and other therapy) with Kendall. I'll never take a word for granted again. Kendall has worked so hard on her speech and although she is really far behind she has come a long way in the last 6 months. Here are a few videos I took today of Kendall and her words. And ignore the date(year) in the video, I realize it's 2010 HA!

Tickle Tickle

2010-03-15T12:31:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh brothers......

One of the best gifts ever!

2010-02-27T20:47:00.000-08:00

When Chase was born one of my oldest friends, Leandra(of Goose and Bugs Photography), was in the room with me. She is a fantastic photographer and offered to take pics of the birth. I never thought I would have anyone in the room with me other than Dan but I knew she was good and I had known her since Kindergarten so I thought why not. For my birthday last year, she gave me one of the best gifts ever....a slideshow of all the pics of Chase's birth that she took and put them to music.

I've been wanting to post this for a long time because I love love love the video. Then I thought, I look fat, puffy and bloated(I was...I lost 26lbs with-in the first week of giving birth), I have no make-up on, I don't look my best etc. I mean I certainly don't look like I did in high school or college. I've gained weight, I have stretch marks and even wrinkles(NOOOOO!!!!) Yet, I've grown up a lot! I've been pregnant for about 27 months of my life and given birth to 3 kids including one child with special needs. I've sat through numerous hours of surgeries and therapy for my daughter, I've laughed A LOT, and I've cried some as well. I am in the midst of doing the hardest job on earth....being a mom. I'm far better then I was in high school or college! I have learned so much in life and have had amazing life experiences. So then I finally thought this is a video of one of the most amazing and most miraculous experiences in life. Who cares how I look! I certainly am not perfect but then again who is? But this experience, well it was completely PERFECT!!! I hope you can all view the video and enjoy it(I know Dan couldn't on his work laptop which is a PC but others with PCs could)...it's an iMovie and I think you are going to have to cut and paste the link in order to watch it but please do because it's wonderful(of course I am completely biased!)

http://homepage.mac.com/leandrasaenz/iMovieTheater167.html

Be Mine

2010-02-21T12:56:00.001-08:00

My Valentine's!

And my true Valentine....because what is better than having a husband who is not afraid to have a dance party with the kids :)

The blonde one

2010-02-20T17:52:00.000-08:00

I looked at Brady just now and said I'm sick and don't feel good(after taking care of him all week). I then asked him "Are you going to take care of mommy?". His reply was "YESSSSS!". Then he followed that up by giving me a big hug and asking, "Do you like hugs?". Ahhhhh this little blonde boy I sure do love him.......SO SWEET!

LG

2010-02-11T21:34:00.000-08:00

This is the link to video that Tim, my brother in law, put together for LG's memorial(my mother in law). It's done in 2 parts.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPBe6cwkB-4

Part 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cSnKRaNmFA&feature=related

3 years ago

2010-02-07T20:38:00.000-08:00

3 years ago, almost to this day, Kendall had her infamous stomach surgery. She had a partial blockage of her duodenum...which is basically the beginning of your intestines. For Kendall, this meant that she felt full really easily because it took food a long time to pass through that area and digest. Other kids who have this either don't have an appetite at all or throw up everything they eat. Kendall only threw up occasionally when she ate too much but it wasn't often enough to make us think anything was off. By age 2 her weight gain had slowed down and by age 3 we were trying an NG tube to help her gain weight. Before the NG tube was given to us we had to have an endoscopy done on her to make sure a tube could go down her throat and into her chest etc. That's when the GI doc found this blockage. Anyway, in order to make a long story short the surgery took about 5 hours and we were suppose to be in the hospital for 4-5 days. In order to get out of the hospital, the drainage from her stomach needed to be clear and then she needed to eat, drink and keep food down. In the end, we were in the hospital for 14 days and Kendall not only recovered from surgery but she endured pnuemonia, a collapsed lung, got down to 18lbs(at 3 years old) and she wasn't able to eat or drink anything for about 10-12 days. Needless to say, I was a wreck during this time and I was also about 27 weeks pregnant with Brady. I just found something I posted to my mommy's board during this time. Here it is, I wrote it on day 8 at the hospital:

"You all, I can't do this anymore. Today Kendall was doing better. They decided to start her on a tiny dose of lipids(fat) through her IV. As I said earlier the nurse told me that the lipids could blow the IV and they did. With-in an hour after starting her lipids her arm and hand swelled up and the IV was shot. So the took her to try and do another IV. After 3 nurses tried and tried in her other hand and ankles(Feet) her nurse saw a horribly sad look in Kendalls eyes and brought her back and said I am so sorry we couldn't get an IV in her. The nurse had tears in her eyes because Kendall just looked at her like why is this all happening to me. I have never seen Kendall so beaten down.

I gave her a quick bath since she was unattached from everything and she hated her bath. She is skin and bones and still hasn't been allowed to eat or drink anything(day 8). The nurse called both her surgeon and GI dr and decided to do a Central Line which is a good thing because they can get blood from it as well. But I got scared since they had to put her under again and anesthesia makes your breathing worse and she already has pnuemonia but she did fine. The surgeon was the same sugeon that did her tummy surgery and he said he blew some air in her intestines to make sure the bypass they did was working and it was. I don't know why the drainage isn't getting lighter in the past 2 days. They think it's pnuemonia related but aren't sure. Surgeon said we just have to wait it out. She threw up after the Central Line and anesthesia tonight but otherwise is ok. The nurse told me today that if they don't start getting nutrients in her she will become at risk that is why they are doing lipids(2ccs an hour so very small amount).

I have now gone to the I should have never done this surgery place and what if she doesn't pull through this. I am sick to my stomach and can't stop crying. I just got home from the hospital as it's my night to sleep at home but all I want to do is be there and hold her and make her better. Why isn't her stomach drainage getting better. She has to eat soon. It's killing me and she signed milk to me for 2 hours tonight. I hate this I am miserable. Now I am going to try to go to bed. Please let her get better."

After all was said and done we got home and the surgery was one of the best things we have ever done for Kendall. She has never thrown up again from eating too much and she is now 31ish pounds and her growth(especially her height) has just been great. I mean she is always going to be petite that is just her but she looks so much healthier. She even has a very very tiny belly on her :) At the time, this was one of the hardest things I had ever done in my life, I mean no one ever imagines not being able to give their kid food or water for days on end as their kids signs repeatedly for them....that was the worst part for me. Now, you may all be wondering why I am bringing this all up. Last week when I picked Kendall up from school the teacher said to me, "Kendall is the biggest and best eater in this class!". Those words could not make me happier!!!!!!!

I don't have any pictures from that hospital stay because it was just too depressing and to top it off we were there over Valentine's Day. So a few days after we got home we celebrated Valentine's with Kendall. Here are a couple pictures from the day we celebrated with her, her smile and spirit were finally back :)

Crazy.....I think not! A little crunchy.....you bet!

2010-01-27T21:45:00.001-08:00

First off, I wonder who reads this blog other than my family and friends. If you do keep up with it feel free to leave comments every now and then so I know I am not just talking to myself!

Ok, I have a lot going on in my head lately. From raising chickens to a little business that I have had stuck in my head since I had Brady but never voiced because with 3 young kids I knew it was impossible to make it happen. Now that Chase is not a newborn anymore I seem to have a tad more time on my hands. Actually, I probably don't but my mind thinks I can take on more. I swear my mind rarely shuts off! I'm talking to a few people about my little business idea but I'm not going to type it all out right now because it's late and I want to get some sleep. No worries though, eventually I will. I just need to investigate more. My biggest concern would be A) the obvious...would it succeed and B) since there are other businesses like it how could I make it succeed and make a profit? Anyway, Dan seems to find my idea interesting and those that know me well will see that it fits me. Really I see it as a side business that I think would be fun and good for the environment, it also fits in with the little bit of crunchiness that I have in me! I'd still continue with recruiting because that is a guaranteed paycheck and I enjoy it(the money and the job that is, well ok the job I enjoy most of the time ;) ).

Let's discuss my slight crunchiness. It started with cloth diapers. I remember telling Dan that I was going to cloth diaper Brady. You should have seen how he looked at me. I'll never forget the look. It was as if he didn't have a clue as to who I was or who he married and had been with for 12+ years. He was completely disgusted by the entire idea. I explained how it all worked, that it was so much better for the environment and that it wasn't hard to do. In the end his response was "this is your thing" and he started calling me crunchy and asked if I was going to start wearing Birkenstocks(BTW..no I wasn't taking it that far). Eventually he dealt with the peed on cloth diapers but he never did deal with the rest! If Dan had Brady and I wasn't around we would stick to disposables but if I was around I'd do cloth. I figured some cloth was better than none. Then I got pregnant with Chase and all cloth diapering bets were off. I just couldn't deal with it without gagging loud enough for the world to hear for 3 months straight. So, I quit the cloth diapers...bad me! Now they are going to slowly work their way back into the picture part time again on Chase. I've even used them again on Brady lately and believe they are really helpful in terms of potty training him. You just can't feel when you are wet in a disposable one as well as you can in a cloth one.

Anyway, onto chickens, Dan jokes that I am white trash for wanting to raise them. In all reality he knows I'm not. He knows I don't make spur of the moment decisions and I am not a super spontaneous person. He knows I fully research and educate myself on all things new. He knows that when I was little I spent my summers back east at the mill which was practically a small farm. I've helped raise chickens before, I've milked goats and had fresh goat milk, cheese and yogurt. I fed our ducks and geese, and helped take care of the sheep. I had dogs and cats and to this day ride horses. I love animals. I also am madly in love with my kids. I buy a lot of organic stuff...eggs, milk and the occasional organic meat(that breaks my bank though so it doesn't happen as often as I like). I hit up the farmers market often from spring-fall and finally the last couple years we have planted our own little fruit and veggie garden with Celine and Kindra. I like growing my own stuff. I like that our kids like it and I love watching them taste all the things we grow. I also like knowing that it's not sprayed with all sorts of crap! So, my point is why not raise a couple hens that produce fresh organic, yummy eggs? I see it as a fun little teaching/learning experience for my kids and my guess is if and when we do it Dan will be running out there daily to check for eggs right along with the kids! In the end, I know they will love it and I know he secretly loves the little bit of crunchiness I have in me!

Practice Makes Perfect

2010-01-25T20:36:00.000-08:00

As you can see Baby Chase is well on his way to walking! 2 weeks ago I would have said I don't think he'll walk before the end of February. Funny how quickly that changed!

Baby Chase and Brady

2010-01-22T13:02:00.000-08:00

If you don't know by now this is Baby Chase's I'm tired look:

And here is that devilsh, sweet smile:

This is what happens when your big brother, Brady, takes a toy away from you. Just imagine the loudness of the scream!

We had a lot of rain this week(5 days in a row). Needless to say, we watched a lot of movies. Brady is singing the HO part of HI HO HI HO It's Off To Work We Go from Snow White right here:

Hmmmm, just realized since Kendall was in school I didn't get any pics of her this week. I owe her a pics of Kendall only post!! Gotta keep it fair!

When mommy's not looking!

2010-01-22T12:50:00.000-08:00

Every now and then I just want to sit. Sit on my bottom and just veg out in front of the TV or the computer. I rarely get to do that when the kids are awake. This week, I let myself though. I sat for about 2 minutes while Chase played and Dan bathed Brady and Kendall. Dan came out of the bathroom and yelled "Ummmm SOMEONE(me) is NOT watching Chase". Yes I got caught! When I got up this is what I saw, it really wasn't that bad but just goes to show I am not allowed time off when kids are awake!

Then something else caught his eye and he was off...

Who me? I didn't do anything!!!

Love

2010-01-19T21:33:00.001-08:00

I'm not the most religious person you'll ever meet and I don't know a whole lot about the bible. Some days I wish I knew more. What I do know is I love this verse.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. . .And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." - excerpts from 1 Corinthians 13:4-13

2010-01-18T21:50:00.000-08:00

Grateful

There is so much that I am grateful for in life. I thought I would take this moment to write some of it down while it's on my mind.

The number one obvious thing I am grateful for is, of course, my family.
I am so thankful for all the cuddles that Brady gives me on a daily basis
For Kendall's great smile, laugh and caring spirit
2 words: Baby Chase
The fact that Dan cracks me up daily and is one of the nicest people on this earth, never possessive nor jealous. Always supportive and a great friend!
Speaking of great friends...of course I have to add GREAT FRIENDS! Couldn't survive without them.
Horses
Hot chocolate made with milk that is boiled on the stove and real whipped cream. You know, the kind you whip up from heavy cream and add a bit of sugar and a dash of vanilla to.
Big storms and the freshness in the air right after a good rain storm.
The sound of horses hooves walking or trotting on pavement.
Something I never had until 2 years ago and luckily no one in CA has it and if they do it's not done right...Sweet Tea
A well made margarita on a hot summer day or night
Starbucks, although I have really cut way back
Carmex
NY/NJ Style pizza, really it's the only way to have pizza. California pizza is fine but it just does not compare.
Really grateful for all the time I got to spend back east in the summertime growing up. Hanging at the barn with my friends in NJ is one of my all time favorite memories.
The fact that I have been able to be home for a really good amount of time after having each baby without having to worry about work. When I finally did work, I got to do it part time and now SUPER part time. It's the perfect balance really.
Sleep and Spa days because I don't get nearly enough of either of them
The internet....without it I wouldn't have met my mommy friends all over the US and who would have guessed the bonds that have formed with so many of us.
Grateful for my house, not only for being a house but for being a home. A home filled with laughter, love, joy and the(more than) occasional "insert kids name" followed by "KNOCK IT OFF!"

Because I can't resist

2010-01-11T09:26:00.001-08:00

I have to just add a few more pics from Chase's party because I love them. These pictures were taken by my friend Leandra. Anytime you see awesome pictures of my kids, most likely it was Leandra behind the camera. She's so super talented!

Chasey's Winter "One"-derland Party

2010-01-10T15:20:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, January 9th we threw Chase's 1st birthday party. I LOVE to throw and organize parties. For this party, I had decided to go with a play on words theme.... a Winter "One"-derland party. The colors and decoartions were all silver, blue and white with lots of snowflakes and some snowmen decorations. I chose white roses and put them in a vases with light blue stones. I chose 2 kids crafts to keep them busy and that was to decorate snowmen and snowflake sugar cookies and make snowmen/snowflake picture frames. I almost decided to go with making snow globes but it was a little more labor intensive. I also did a hot chocolate bar with whipped cream, marshmellows, peppermint sticks and shaved chocolate for the kids. For the adult version, I had Baileys and peppermint schnapps on hand. I think that cocoa bar was one of the best parts and most original ideas I had for the party! I was going to make a wintery food such as chili but we were going to another party later this night where chili was the main dish and I figured all kids wouldn't eat chili. So we went with pizza cause it's easy and cheap! As far as party favors went, for the kids I did "Snowman Soup", you'll see the pics below. For adults I decided to make CDs with songs that remind Dan and I of Chase. The other super fantastic part about the decorations was that I got all of them at about 50% to 75% off after Christmas...WOOT WOOT. I mean who doesn't like saving money! I baked Chase a giant cupcake and decorated it with white frosting with blue sprinkles for his smash cake. I then ordered a cake just from Lunardi's. It was white cake with white buttercream frosting with snowflakes of course. I think this theme was one of the most creative ones I have ever done and it was SO FUN to do!! Here are some pictures of the decorations, cake and such and then we'll get on to the real reason for the party...BABY CHASE!!

"Snowman Soup"

The CD I did:

The Decor:

Flowers:

Cake and Giant Cupcake that I used for a smash cake:

Kids crafts(cookie decorating table and the snowman frame):

Hot Chocolate Bar(Kids version then adult version):

Kendall showing off her snowflake shirt(you know to go with the theme and all :) ):

Brady also had a wintery shirt on of course!

Before we even got to the cake part of the party Brady hit his all time sugar high. He decorated and ate a LOT of cookies and eventually looked like he was all cracked out! At some point his idea was....why put frosting on the cookie when it could go straight into your mouth?! Notice, the glazed over look in his eyes!!!

Eventually the sugar caught up to Brady and he decided to take a little rest on someone's shoe!

The guests and kids stayed pretty busy:

Another little man stole the show for a bit as well....Baby Ryan(one of my best friends little 3 month old cutie pie):

Then baby Ryan tuckered himself out:

Now onto the reason for the party, the birthday boy himself!! I can't believe Chasey is a year old! He loved the party. When we sang Happy Birthday to him he had this surprised look like what are you all doing singing to me! So cute. This was the look:

A smile came about right before I set the giant cupcake in front of him:

He LOVED his giant cupcake, here are some of my favorite pics:

Thanks to everyone who came! It was a lot of fun and I am TUCKERED OUT!!!

2010-01-07T21:48:00.000-08:00

Brothers

The other night I was playing around with my new camera. I was snapping some shots of Dan who was acting silly as normal. As I looked at this picture I couldn't believe the resemblance that Dan had to his younger brother Tim. I had never really seen it before, it's crazy how genes come into play. Here is the pic of Dan:

I had to search through all my pics to find one of Tim but I did! Tim, I hope you don't mind that I am posting this! It's about 2.5 years old and was taken when Brady was just a few days old:

Baby Chase turns 1!

2010-01-05T21:29:00.000-08:00

Sweet baby Chase turned a year old today. It seems like just yesterday I was extremely large and pregnant with that not so little man in my belly! I have always joked that he was my perfect baby but really he was! He slept through the night from 8 weeks on, is always mellow and happy unless he is extremely tired and hungry and he's just a joy to be around. I'm so lucky to be his mom. As I was staring at some pictures of him tonight I finally admitted to myself that he really looks nothing like me. Well, ok, he has my nose. The rest of him is all Dan.

Chase spent his birthday crawling, scooting, cruising around our house, playing, pulling up on my legs and wrapping his arms around my calves, cuddling with me and he added in a couple naps as well. I made cupcakes for the kids and he gobbled his right up, loving every bite. I must have sang Happy Birthday to him at least 20 times today, he laughed and smiled every time. Kendall and Brady sang it to him as well as they had been practicing for a couple days! Brady kept adding in that it was his birthday too and he was also turning a year old...silly boy!

Chasey is already starting to lose some of his baby chub and rolls :(. His dimples are to die for and those big beautiful hazel eyes, well they just don't get any better! It's really hard not to just eat him right up! Soon enough he'll be walking. I've started to see him stand without holding on to anything. I'm ok with him not walking yet. I want my last baby to stay a baby for just a little longer. Time goes by so quickly and I just want to enjoy every single second of him!! I took a bunch of pictures tonight but am too tired to download them. For now I'll add the pictures my good friend Leandra of Goose and Bugs photography took a few days ago, they are much better than mine anyway. I baked him a giant cupcake and he tore into it and LOVED it. Here are the results(remember you can click on any picture and a bigger version will pop up) :

2010-01-04T13:31:00.000-08:00

BITTERSWEET TIMES AND THE BIG BOY BED

For some time now Brady and Kendall have been playing in Kendall's bed. Brady is constantly climbing in with Kendall and then they pretend sleep. It's quite cute and looks something like this:

Brady really loves Kendall's bed but he also really loves his crib. Since he is now 2.5 years old everyone kept asking, "Is he climbing out yet?" and my answer was "Not yet.". Then about a month ago I heard a thud and a loud pitter patter coming down the hall to come find me. A cute little blonde boy appeared and said with a HUGE grin, "HI MOMMY, I CLIMB OUT MY CRIB!". Since then he's been climbing out of his crib after naps, when he wakes in the morning and sometimes in the middle of the night. Yesterday I gave in and we took the front part off of his crib. I didn't want him climbing out anymore in the dark and possibly getting hurt. So it's official, he is in a big boy bed. The crib actually turns into a double bed but for now just the front is off. Baby steps.....it's all I can handle!! My bubbies, Mr Brady, is no longer a baby in a crib SNIFF SNIFF!

Of course I took some shots of him in his big boy bed! Kendall and him immediately started playing in it, they were both very excited about it!

Here's another, he sure is proud and I'm pretty sure my dad has been giving him lessons on how to pose for a picture HA!!

Finally, I had to get a shot of him sleeping in it! While snapping away, I thought it would be wrong to ignore my other sleeping beauties!!

And here's Miss Kendall snoring away!

A Year has passed and what's to come?

2010-01-02T18:14:00.000-08:00

2010 is here and so is my blog. I have thought about starting this for some time now but never did it. Then it hit me, since baby Chase was born almost a year ago, I haven't tracked any of his milestones....sitting up, crawling, cruising etc. With this blog, I will be able to track our lives and have something to reflect on when I feel overwhelmed by the craziness that is my life! So although my brother in law jokingly said to me, "No one's gonna read your blog!", I have a feeling I'll have at least 1 fan that will be following it ;). To those of you who do come and read it, thanks and I hope you like it! For now I'm going to reflect a little on 2009 and all that occurred!

2009
*In January, on the 5th to be exact, Baby Chase Daniel Graff entered the world at 12:21pm weighing in at a whopping 9lbs 2 oz with lots of dark hair. He was cute and as chubby as one could be. We also had 2 more birthdays in our family in January. One was Don's and one was my mom's.

*By February our family of 5 was well adjusted to one another. Chase was full of smiles and fat rolls. He was a total roly poly baby and I couldn't have enjoyed him more! Brady was happy to be a big brother most of the time, and Kendall loved being a big sister. Our blocks Biggest Loser contest also started. I entered the contest and started getting back into shape as soon as Chasey was 6 weeks old. I sure was out of shape. If I had no shame I would post some pics of me when I first started working out.....but lucky for you all I do have shame so no pictures of that will be shown! My brother in law, Raw B G(Uncle Rawb) celebrated his birthday this month but he lives in San Diego so we celebrated in spirit with him.

*March arrived and we headed over to Aunties Kindra and Celine's house to plant our annual garden. It always seems we pick one of the hottest days to start the garden! We planted lots of fruit and veggies. Kendall wore gloves that were 10 sizes too big and loved digging in the dirt where as Brady didn't like the dirt so much. He actually got so hot he decided to strip the bottom half of his clothes off and go play with the hose. I have those pics somewhere....must find them!! It was also my dads birthday as well as Auntie Celine's.

*April, one of my favorite months because it's my birthday month! Dan jokes that I celebrate all month long. I believe at one point in my life that was true but now I just try to celebrate the entire week of my birthday! We also colored Easter Eggs with the kids and celebrated Easter. It was a mellow Easter this year. This was also the month we found out that my mother in laws cancer(she was diagnosed with Oral Cancer back in 2007) was back. Although we knew that it was most likely going to come back at some point we wanted it not to be true.

*Next up was May. Spring arrived and we celebrated a lot of birthdays. My most favorite blonde boy in the entire world, Brady, turned 2 on the 16th. We had a big party which was a lot of fun. Dans mom turned 60 on the 25th and finally we celebrated Dans birthday on the 28th. I forgot to mention our blocks Biggest Loser contest ended in May as well. I came in 4th out of 15 people or so. I should have had 3rd but the person who placed 3rd beat me by 2/10ths of a pound and totally cheated(well dieted the unhealthy way, you know only eating like 500 calories a day and getting HCG hormone injections). I ended up losing about 24lbs and did it the healthy way. Eating well and exercising my bootie off!! By now Chase was rolling and laughing and still full of lots of rolls to squeeze and kiss! I believe Chase also started on rice cereal and some other solids in May as well.

*In June, we started seeing the fruits(and veggies) of our labor in the garden. The kids(and actually I think Dan loved this part even more) loved running down the street to Aunties house and checking the garden to see what had grown. Lots of squash and zuchinni, some tomatoes and other goodies. Kendall also finished Kindergarten and was officially going to be a 1st grader. Wow, time sure flies and I wish it would slow down already! Our block also starts our TGIFs or "Freaky Fridays" in June. It's so nice to catch up with neighbors(friends really) at the end of the week and eat yummy food while the kids play til it's dark.

* July is one of the most fun months on our street. Our street hosts a HUGE 4th of July block party. Every time I say that I think of Howard Stern who always makes such fun of block parties, but ours is a blast. A lot of work goes into it but it's a good time to be had by all. My favorite part is end of the day when we go to Celine and Kindra's, sit around the fire pit, make s'mores and watch fireworks! We spent a lot of July outside while the kids run through the sprinklers or slide down slip n slides. Adults have been known to go down the slip n slides too. Baby Chase loved the kiddie pool and so did Kendall and Brady. I might add, many margaritas are had during the month of July around our neck of the woods! Baby Chase also turned 6 months old in July on the 5th! My oh my how he has grown.....I am so in love!

* With August, came back to school for little Miss Kendall. She started back so early this year! She entered 1st grade and absolutely loves it. She has the best teacher, we are so lucky! My father in law also celebrated his birthday in August.

* September is not only a busy month for us but it's one of my favorite months! Dan and I celebrated our 8 year wedding anniversary on the 15th. I'm lucky to be married to such a fun, funny and super involved guy! School was back in full force for Kendall and it was her birthday month! She was turning 6 and we packed up the car and headed to the Happiest Place on Earth, DISNEYLAND!!!!! Seriously, this was one of the most fun trips we have ever taken. All the kids, mommy and daddy loved it. Brady's favorite ride was Dumbo. Chase giggled all the way through Alice in Wonderland and Kendall loved everything! Kendall wore her Snow White dress for at least 3 straight days. She loved that when she wore it everyone referred to her as Snow White. I must say, watching her meet Snow White for the first time was just priceless. The expression on her face said it all. Chase also started crawling in September right after our Disney trip at the ripe ol' age of 9 months!!

*October.....ahhhhh fall was finally here. Fall is my favorite season. I love when the days are crisp and sunny but the nights are nice and cool. I love squeezing baby Chase into cozy clothes and snuggling with him. I love warm PJs on Kendall and Brady and snuggling with them before bed! The best part of October is Halloween. Kendall bought a Cinderella dress when we were in Disneyland which she grew to love(not quite as much as Snow White though). Brady as Peter Pan and had a great time dressing up. Chase was a pumpkin. He wasn't happy about it. We went and watched the parade at Kendalls school and then we also had a Halloween parade/party at Bradys school. We carved pumpkins and toasted pumpkin seeds! YUMMY! Chase also started pulling up and cruising all around. He also really started paying attention to his brother and sister and wanted to be doing what they were doing. So fun to watch them all play together! We went out to celebrate Auntie Kindra's birthday this month as well. Went to the Huki and had lots of fun and some good food!! Good food and good peeps, nothin' better than that! Oh, how could I forget? I also started riding again after a 7-8 year break in October. I love it as much as I ever had. I am riding the nicest horse in the barn and it just makes me happy. Riding is my therapy. I will ride until I am too old to climb on a horse anymore. Really, as I have said before, other than my family nothing makes me happier then riding!

*November arrived and brought Ashi's birthday(my step dad). Dans mom(LG as I call her) wasn't doing so well. The cancer was spreading pretty rapidly now and she took a major turn for the worse. It was very sad especially because the holidays were coming right up. LG always hosted Thanksgiving and did it in grand style with lots of food. Her big thing was forcing...errrr letting...people go around the table to say what they were thankful for. This year she was too sick to host. So I took over. It was a lot of work but it turned out great. Unfortunately Dans dad and LG missed it because LG wasn't doing well at all by this point. We missed them at dinner but we shared lots of stories about Thanksgiving past. The Wednesday before Thanksgiving was Linda and Garys 37th wedding anniversary and Dan and I went up to celebrate with them. This is when it was clear to us that my mother in law wasn't well anymore. The day after Thanksgiving we took the kids to see her. They always made her so happy and this time was no different. They made her smile and she used all her energy to be at her strongest that day for them. I think Dan and I went to Alameda every other day into early December after this to spend time with LG.

*December started off rough. Dans mom got even worse and passed away on December 3rd. She died in her sleep and it was very peaceful. We had just been there 3 hours before and had said everything we needed to say to her. I whispered that I would always make sure all the boys were fed and had food. If you knew her, you knew she wanted and liked to feed people. She wanted to feed them all the time and LOTS of food. She didn't like to take no for an answer when it came to eating! Dan also had a little talk with her and the entire family had done so as well. I think she finally knew all of us would be ok and it was ok for her to let go. December 12 was her funeral. We celebrated the life of Linda Graff and it was a beautiful day despite the rain. About a week after that my other brother in law, Tim, celebrated his birthday. About 2 weeks after the funeral Christmas was just about here. The tree was up and decorated, stockings were hung on our hutch with care(we don't have a fireplace) and the kids were excited to say the least. I think this was one of my most favorite Christmas's yet. Brady got it for the first time this year. He loved to hear and talk about Santa. He believes and the look on his and Kendalls face on Christmas morning when they saw all the gifts was a look of shock, like WOW SANTA REALLY DID COME! Too cute! Chase will be into it next year and I can't wait. Our Christmas vacation has been wonderful. It's been full of lounging around, snuggling with our babies in our bed, watching movies and playing games with the kids. We've had a good amount of PJ days and have had a chance to catch up on SOME sleep but not all. I don't think we can ever catch up on it all. 2009 was a wonderful year and I look forward to what 2010 may bring!!!
In Memory of Linda Marie Graff May 25, 1949-December 3, 2009